William Birkin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fivestagegod) wrote2020-04-08 09:10 pm
fivestagegod) wrote2020-04-08 09:10 pm
Inventory - Unknown Seas
THINGS HE WILL SHAMELESSLY YARD-SALE TO LITERALLY ANYONE
02. BBQ Sauce (x3) - A bottle of… barbeque sauce. Might be cool if you had, like, a barbeque!
03. Donut (x6) - These donuts are great! Jelly-filled are my favorite! Which is to say yes, this is a single jelly-filled donut. It doesn’t even look suspiciously like any other kind of food.
04. Hot Sauce (x2) - A bottle of very strong hot sauce! Use at your own risk!
10. Diamond - Literally just a raw diamond, about the size of a pea, that looks freshly dug up from somewhere.
11. Ten-Gallon Hat (x3) - A hat perfect for wearing in a western - or on stage singing country music. Yeehaw!
12. Nisse - A stuffed friend for the holidays, or really any other time of the year - Gaze upon it, love it, take it home.
20. Wooden Flute (x2) - Hand-carved and actually really nice. There’s not even really a drawback to this one.
24. Black Lotuss (x2) - Oh man, this is like the most expensive trading card in the… hang on now, it’s counterfeit! What a ripoff!
25. Box of Chocolates (x2) - Wow, it’s just like life! Careful not to grab the one that just kinda tastes like it’s full of shampoo.
26. Coconut (x5) - It’s a coconut. Secretly, as a food famous for floating, it’s suffering more than any of you while trapped at the bottom of the sea, but it refuses to complain...
27. 9999 in 1 Game Device - A handheld device for playing retro games! There’s actually only about twenty, they just repeat in the menu until they reach 9999. Also they all suck.
36. Weirdly Specific T-Shirt (x5) - Hang on, how many people does this actually apply to? Also it’s like size XXXL.
40. Distinguished Dress - A beautiful, beautiful... article of clothing.
43. Freeze-Dried Ice Cream - Pretend you’re an astronaut! Only available in vanilla, but there's an ad on the back for other flavors.
46. Hand Bra (x2) - Who the heck left this in here? It almost seems like it belongs in a whole other world.
47. Bootleg Bear Plush (x2) - A plush of some strange bear that’s black on its right side and white on its left, with one poorly-stitched red eye. Who is he? Why is he here? He has a terrible aura..
52. Do-It-Yourself Mime Kit (x4) - A very fancy makeup kit! All in shades of white and black. If being a mime isn’t your thing, it might Miraculously help you fit in with a different group of people…
55. Free Trial Disc (x3) - A CD advertising 2000 hours of free internet. Man, these sure have gotten desperate, huh?
56. Pin-Up Calendar? (x4) - A calendar for the year 2015, featuring lurid pictures of… wait, no, those are just normal janitors in full coveralls standing in exotic locations.
63. VHS Tape - A blank tape of some kind??? It might not be just the fantasy characters who don’t recognize this. It contains a recording of an aerobics program.
65. Action Figure - A classic action figure of… well he has muscles and a sword? You don’t recognize him, but he feels like at least five to ten cartoon protagonists from a certain time period.
67. Conversation Hearts (x3) - A box of chalky candy hearts with fun messages on them!
74. Foam Dart Pistol (x2) - A small pistol that uses pressurized air to shoot foam darts! No notable brand, but it works well enough.
MMO Outfit - Complete with elf ears.
Anna Ragdoll: A somewhat dumpy doll that looks like a child made it, and also looks like our favourite shouty German redhead!
THINGS HE IS KEEPING
06. Handmade Paper - Just a loose stack of really fancy bespoke paper! To make those letters you write in case of your death really pop, you know? (x2)
07. Life-Sized Stuffed Penguin (x2) - A stuffed penguin about a foot and a half tall. Looks almost real, but is almost unbelievably soft.
08. Water Bottle (x3) - A bottle of delicious spring water. Refreshing!
09. Scarf - An incredibly comfortable scarf, if you don’t mind the dull brown color.
10. Diamond - Literally just a raw diamond, about the size of a pea, that looks freshly dug up from somewhere.
13. Air Tank (x2) - A tank of air suitable for diving. It would be a great help towards getting out of here… if you had a door, and if it weren’t empty.
14. Waterfall Poster (x5) - A full-size wall poster with a beautiful photo of Victoria Falls, the largest waterfall in the world. If you’re not into Rita Hayworth, this might be a useful tool to help you break out of here.
15. Malört (x3) - A bottle of a foul-tasting liquor produced and distributed exclusively in Chicago, Illinois. It’s literally named after wormwood, if you don’t like strong and bitter alcohol you’ll probably have a bad time.
21. Non-Descript Golden Man Award - A gold statue of a blank man, sized to be held in one hand! A sign on the bottom says it’s for… Best Grandma? Unfortunately it’s not even made out of gold, it’s just gold-painted bronze.
27. 9999 in 1 Game Device - A handheld device for playing retro games! There’s actually only about twenty, they just repeat in the menu until they reach 9999. Also they all suck.
30. Rations (x2) - A set of military rations. At least they’ll never go bad?
35. Labcoat (x2) - A standard white labcoat, perfect for cosplaying as The Professor’s secret second assistant who lives in the walls. Oops, spoilers! Pretend I didn’t say anything, okay?
37. Wetsuit - A full skintight wetsuit! Somehow, despite the random nature of the vending machine, it fits you perfectly.
38. Punk Jeans - A pair of black skinny jeans torn and safety pinned back together so thoroughly, you’re not sure how much of the fabric is left. But hey, they fit!
41. Gummy Fish (x2) - A ziploc bag of red fish-shaped candy. Actually pretty good, if you like that sort of thing!
42. Gingerbread House (x2) - A whole elegantly designed gingerbread house with all kinds of candy accents.
44. Bible+ - A copy of the Bible! Hang on, there’s an extra section at the back… why is there a bunch of chili recipes in here?
48. Trust Exercises and You! - A thorough guide to conducting, coordinating, and adjudicating exercises from the classic trust fall to the more advanced. Be the self-made king of your workplace and transmit all your good vibes with this book from wordsmith and morale expert… the name seems to have been blacked out?
51. Shovel (x2) - A normal shovel. For digging. You know, with all the dirt you have access to.
53. Origami Instructions - A book of instructions on how to fold paper into cool things! Unfortunately, it doesn’t actually come with any paper.
57. “Letter Opener” (x2) - A serrated combat knife that wouldn’t be out of place trying to survive in the wilderness.
58. "Almond Flavoring" (x3) - A tightly-sealed vial of some kind of powder with a skull and crossbones on it and a very direct warning label informing the reader that it’s Literally Just Cyanide.
59. “Extra-Large Spice Grinder” - It’s. It’s just a full-on Medieval-style mace.
60. “Personal Space Reminder” (x5) - A small handheld device that, when you press a button, generates an external current of electricity. Could be dangerous if you touched someone with the electric parts!
61. “Landscaping Aid” (x4) - It’s just a really big rock. Man, if one of you used this to kill someone else here at the bottom of the ocean… that’d be fucked up, huh?
66. Snow Globe - A souvenir from… it looks like Dubai? Perfect to put on a shelf and look at once in a while.
66. Snow Globe - A souvenir from… it looks like the Arklay Mountains? Perfect to put on a shelf and look at once in a while.
66. Snow Globe - A souvenir from… it looks like Raccoon City? Perfect to put on a shelf and look at once in a while.
69. A Cool Refreshing Beverage - Nice!
70. “Letter Opener (Deluxe)” (x2) - A full-on sword with a cool jet-black blade. Comes in a sheath, thankfully.
72. At-Home Planetarium - A glass ball that lights up and projects stars! Doesn’t work if the room is too big or if the lights are on, though.
Ancient Shark Artifact - Legend says that anyone who holds this can summon a sharnado. Honestly? It looks like a shitty movie prop. (Courtesy of Nova)
Locket: A circular gold locket with a simple, generic design etched into the cover. Contains a family portrait inside
Leech: Oh, ew. A creature about the size of deflated football that doesn't seem to do much outside of squirm around and climb things in the slimiest manner possible.
Journal: A journal left by someone. The contents are...probably alarming.
First Aid Spray (x3): A can of medicinal spray, courtesy of the Umbrella Corporation. Its instant-healing effects don't work here, unfortunately, but it'll at least clean wounds out to keep them from getting infected. Ironically.
Sisters' Photo: A photo depicting three young girls smiling: two with red hair, one much younger than the other, and one with black hair.
NO LONGER IN POSSESSION OF
01. Matryoshka Dolls (x7) - A series of intricately painted nesting dolls, meant for display rather than as a toy for children. At the center there’s… a stick of gum? (Sacrificed to the hellpuppet collective.)
12. Nisse - A stuffed friend for the holidays, or really any other time of the year - Gaze upon it, love it, take it home. (Given to Rose.)
16. Marionette (x16) - An intricate and complex puppet that either looks creepy or cool, depending on your point of view. (Sacrificed to the hellpuppet collective.)
17. Mango (x5) - A relatively high-quality mango, which might be surprising the longer into this whole thing you get one out of the machine. You could make a religion out of this. (He doesn't want scurvy.)
20. Wooden Flute - Hand-carved and actually really nice. There’s not even really a drawback to this one. (Given to Therion.)
22. Live Bait - A styrofoam cup just… full of worms. In case you want to go fishing, or pull a really mean prank! (Given to the leech.)
29. Monopoly (x2) - An obscure version of Monopoly based on a cartoon you’ve never heard of called “The Rocket Kids.” But hey, it’s still Monopoly, everyone’s favorite game for building closer bonds with your friends and family! (Left in the lounge.)
40. Distinguished Dress - A beautiful, beautiful... article of clothing. (Given to Nova.)
45. I Can’t Believe it’s Not Margarine! (x2) - A single stick of unsalted butter. Better refrigerate it. (Probably should not be given to anyone.)
50. Parkour 101 (x3) - A handbook on how to do all kinds of sick jumps and flips and things that cool kids did in whatever year it was when parkour was hilariously big. Would probably be more useful outside of your current environment. (Put in the library.)
54. The Dreaded Knarrevik (x3) - An IKEA-branded nightstand! Comes unassembled in-box with the instructions missing. Good luck! (Given to Della.)
64. An Egg - Can the vending machine offer you one of these in this trying time? Hard-boiled, at least. (Given to the leech.)
Shelley Winters’ Gravestone: a gravestone saying Shelley died a few years ago. Doesn’t seem fake, but asking Shelley about it is bound to be weird and strange. (Presumably returned to Shelley; otherwise it probably lives in the laundry room now.)
Extremely Spicy Mapo Tofu - So spicy that people call it the "killer" Mapo Tofu, with an unearthly taste hidden behind the onslaught of spiciness. (Nearly killed the leech with it accidentally.)
SEWING ROOM DONATIONS
31. Wizard Hat (x3) - A big pointy blue and silver hat! For commanding mystical energies, or maybe just looking like a dork.
32. Velvet Cape (x4) - A full velvet cape, perfect for swishing around and pretending you’re either an old-timey aristocrat or a vampire. Also useful if you wanna get a LARP started in here.
34. Blobfish Kigurumi (x4) - No one asked for this. No one needed to bring this into the world.
39. Bathrobe (x3) - A cheap deep red bathrobe, for when you want to look classy in your study but you just aren’t the kind of person with money for things like “a study” or “books” or “quality fabric.”
49. Tiger Stripe Suit (x2) - A fitted suit and pants in full orange-and-black tiger stripes. Somehow, putting in on makes you feel stealthy, but… that can’t be right, can it?
CAPE (x2) - Intimidatingly fabulous! This simple black cape, while a short and snappy accessory on some, is in fact extremely large on those less than eight feet tall.
Denim Outfit - A nice denim jacket with a fur collar, paired with a tank top and some nice pants. There's a hole in the pants where a tail should go...
WHY
The Hellpuppet - Something he's been working on in his spare time. It's a mass of limbs and heads and way too many torsos. Oh god it's got teeth now. Created with what used to be, so far, sixteen marionettes and seven matryoshka dolls.
02. BBQ Sauce (x3) - A bottle of… barbeque sauce. Might be cool if you had, like, a barbeque!
03. Donut (x6) - These donuts are great! Jelly-filled are my favorite! Which is to say yes, this is a single jelly-filled donut. It doesn’t even look suspiciously like any other kind of food.
04. Hot Sauce (x2) - A bottle of very strong hot sauce! Use at your own risk!
10. Diamond - Literally just a raw diamond, about the size of a pea, that looks freshly dug up from somewhere.
11. Ten-Gallon Hat (x3) - A hat perfect for wearing in a western - or on stage singing country music. Yeehaw!
12. Nisse - A stuffed friend for the holidays, or really any other time of the year - Gaze upon it, love it, take it home.
20. Wooden Flute (x2) - Hand-carved and actually really nice. There’s not even really a drawback to this one.
24. Black Lotuss (x2) - Oh man, this is like the most expensive trading card in the… hang on now, it’s counterfeit! What a ripoff!
25. Box of Chocolates (x2) - Wow, it’s just like life! Careful not to grab the one that just kinda tastes like it’s full of shampoo.
26. Coconut (x5) - It’s a coconut. Secretly, as a food famous for floating, it’s suffering more than any of you while trapped at the bottom of the sea, but it refuses to complain...
27. 9999 in 1 Game Device - A handheld device for playing retro games! There’s actually only about twenty, they just repeat in the menu until they reach 9999. Also they all suck.
36. Weirdly Specific T-Shirt (x5) - Hang on, how many people does this actually apply to? Also it’s like size XXXL.
40. Distinguished Dress - A beautiful, beautiful... article of clothing.
43. Freeze-Dried Ice Cream - Pretend you’re an astronaut! Only available in vanilla, but there's an ad on the back for other flavors.
46. Hand Bra (x2) - Who the heck left this in here? It almost seems like it belongs in a whole other world.
47. Bootleg Bear Plush (x2) - A plush of some strange bear that’s black on its right side and white on its left, with one poorly-stitched red eye. Who is he? Why is he here? He has a terrible aura..
52. Do-It-Yourself Mime Kit (x4) - A very fancy makeup kit! All in shades of white and black. If being a mime isn’t your thing, it might Miraculously help you fit in with a different group of people…
55. Free Trial Disc (x3) - A CD advertising 2000 hours of free internet. Man, these sure have gotten desperate, huh?
56. Pin-Up Calendar? (x4) - A calendar for the year 2015, featuring lurid pictures of… wait, no, those are just normal janitors in full coveralls standing in exotic locations.
63. VHS Tape - A blank tape of some kind??? It might not be just the fantasy characters who don’t recognize this. It contains a recording of an aerobics program.
65. Action Figure - A classic action figure of… well he has muscles and a sword? You don’t recognize him, but he feels like at least five to ten cartoon protagonists from a certain time period.
67. Conversation Hearts (x3) - A box of chalky candy hearts with fun messages on them!
74. Foam Dart Pistol (x2) - A small pistol that uses pressurized air to shoot foam darts! No notable brand, but it works well enough.
MMO Outfit - Complete with elf ears.
Anna Ragdoll: A somewhat dumpy doll that looks like a child made it, and also looks like our favourite shouty German redhead!
THINGS HE IS KEEPING
06. Handmade Paper - Just a loose stack of really fancy bespoke paper! To make those letters you write in case of your death really pop, you know? (x2)
07. Life-Sized Stuffed Penguin (x2) - A stuffed penguin about a foot and a half tall. Looks almost real, but is almost unbelievably soft.
08. Water Bottle (x3) - A bottle of delicious spring water. Refreshing!
09. Scarf - An incredibly comfortable scarf, if you don’t mind the dull brown color.
10. Diamond - Literally just a raw diamond, about the size of a pea, that looks freshly dug up from somewhere.
13. Air Tank (x2) - A tank of air suitable for diving. It would be a great help towards getting out of here… if you had a door, and if it weren’t empty.
14. Waterfall Poster (x5) - A full-size wall poster with a beautiful photo of Victoria Falls, the largest waterfall in the world. If you’re not into Rita Hayworth, this might be a useful tool to help you break out of here.
15. Malört (x3) - A bottle of a foul-tasting liquor produced and distributed exclusively in Chicago, Illinois. It’s literally named after wormwood, if you don’t like strong and bitter alcohol you’ll probably have a bad time.
21. Non-Descript Golden Man Award - A gold statue of a blank man, sized to be held in one hand! A sign on the bottom says it’s for… Best Grandma? Unfortunately it’s not even made out of gold, it’s just gold-painted bronze.
27. 9999 in 1 Game Device - A handheld device for playing retro games! There’s actually only about twenty, they just repeat in the menu until they reach 9999. Also they all suck.
30. Rations (x2) - A set of military rations. At least they’ll never go bad?
35. Labcoat (x2) - A standard white labcoat, perfect for cosplaying as The Professor’s secret second assistant who lives in the walls. Oops, spoilers! Pretend I didn’t say anything, okay?
37. Wetsuit - A full skintight wetsuit! Somehow, despite the random nature of the vending machine, it fits you perfectly.
38. Punk Jeans - A pair of black skinny jeans torn and safety pinned back together so thoroughly, you’re not sure how much of the fabric is left. But hey, they fit!
41. Gummy Fish (x2) - A ziploc bag of red fish-shaped candy. Actually pretty good, if you like that sort of thing!
42. Gingerbread House (x2) - A whole elegantly designed gingerbread house with all kinds of candy accents.
44. Bible+ - A copy of the Bible! Hang on, there’s an extra section at the back… why is there a bunch of chili recipes in here?
48. Trust Exercises and You! - A thorough guide to conducting, coordinating, and adjudicating exercises from the classic trust fall to the more advanced. Be the self-made king of your workplace and transmit all your good vibes with this book from wordsmith and morale expert… the name seems to have been blacked out?
51. Shovel (x2) - A normal shovel. For digging. You know, with all the dirt you have access to.
53. Origami Instructions - A book of instructions on how to fold paper into cool things! Unfortunately, it doesn’t actually come with any paper.
57. “Letter Opener” (x2) - A serrated combat knife that wouldn’t be out of place trying to survive in the wilderness.
58. "Almond Flavoring" (x3) - A tightly-sealed vial of some kind of powder with a skull and crossbones on it and a very direct warning label informing the reader that it’s Literally Just Cyanide.
59. “Extra-Large Spice Grinder” - It’s. It’s just a full-on Medieval-style mace.
60. “Personal Space Reminder” (x5) - A small handheld device that, when you press a button, generates an external current of electricity. Could be dangerous if you touched someone with the electric parts!
61. “Landscaping Aid” (x4) - It’s just a really big rock. Man, if one of you used this to kill someone else here at the bottom of the ocean… that’d be fucked up, huh?
66. Snow Globe - A souvenir from… it looks like Dubai? Perfect to put on a shelf and look at once in a while.
66. Snow Globe - A souvenir from… it looks like the Arklay Mountains? Perfect to put on a shelf and look at once in a while.
66. Snow Globe - A souvenir from… it looks like Raccoon City? Perfect to put on a shelf and look at once in a while.
69. A Cool Refreshing Beverage - Nice!
70. “Letter Opener (Deluxe)” (x2) - A full-on sword with a cool jet-black blade. Comes in a sheath, thankfully.
72. At-Home Planetarium - A glass ball that lights up and projects stars! Doesn’t work if the room is too big or if the lights are on, though.
Ancient Shark Artifact - Legend says that anyone who holds this can summon a sharnado. Honestly? It looks like a shitty movie prop. (Courtesy of Nova)
Locket: A circular gold locket with a simple, generic design etched into the cover. Contains a family portrait inside
Leech: Oh, ew. A creature about the size of deflated football that doesn't seem to do much outside of squirm around and climb things in the slimiest manner possible.
Journal: A journal left by someone. The contents are...probably alarming.
First Aid Spray (x3): A can of medicinal spray, courtesy of the Umbrella Corporation. Its instant-healing effects don't work here, unfortunately, but it'll at least clean wounds out to keep them from getting infected. Ironically.
Sisters' Photo: A photo depicting three young girls smiling: two with red hair, one much younger than the other, and one with black hair.
NO LONGER IN POSSESSION OF
01. Matryoshka Dolls (x7) - A series of intricately painted nesting dolls, meant for display rather than as a toy for children. At the center there’s… a stick of gum? (Sacrificed to the hellpuppet collective.)
12. Nisse - A stuffed friend for the holidays, or really any other time of the year - Gaze upon it, love it, take it home. (Given to Rose.)
16. Marionette (x16) - An intricate and complex puppet that either looks creepy or cool, depending on your point of view. (Sacrificed to the hellpuppet collective.)
17. Mango (x5) - A relatively high-quality mango, which might be surprising the longer into this whole thing you get one out of the machine. You could make a religion out of this. (He doesn't want scurvy.)
20. Wooden Flute - Hand-carved and actually really nice. There’s not even really a drawback to this one. (Given to Therion.)
22. Live Bait - A styrofoam cup just… full of worms. In case you want to go fishing, or pull a really mean prank! (Given to the leech.)
29. Monopoly (x2) - An obscure version of Monopoly based on a cartoon you’ve never heard of called “The Rocket Kids.” But hey, it’s still Monopoly, everyone’s favorite game for building closer bonds with your friends and family! (Left in the lounge.)
40. Distinguished Dress - A beautiful, beautiful... article of clothing. (Given to Nova.)
45. I Can’t Believe it’s Not Margarine! (x2) - A single stick of unsalted butter. Better refrigerate it. (Probably should not be given to anyone.)
50. Parkour 101 (x3) - A handbook on how to do all kinds of sick jumps and flips and things that cool kids did in whatever year it was when parkour was hilariously big. Would probably be more useful outside of your current environment. (Put in the library.)
54. The Dreaded Knarrevik (x3) - An IKEA-branded nightstand! Comes unassembled in-box with the instructions missing. Good luck! (Given to Della.)
64. An Egg - Can the vending machine offer you one of these in this trying time? Hard-boiled, at least. (Given to the leech.)
Shelley Winters’ Gravestone: a gravestone saying Shelley died a few years ago. Doesn’t seem fake, but asking Shelley about it is bound to be weird and strange. (Presumably returned to Shelley; otherwise it probably lives in the laundry room now.)
Extremely Spicy Mapo Tofu - So spicy that people call it the "killer" Mapo Tofu, with an unearthly taste hidden behind the onslaught of spiciness. (Nearly killed the leech with it accidentally.)
SEWING ROOM DONATIONS
31. Wizard Hat (x3) - A big pointy blue and silver hat! For commanding mystical energies, or maybe just looking like a dork.
32. Velvet Cape (x4) - A full velvet cape, perfect for swishing around and pretending you’re either an old-timey aristocrat or a vampire. Also useful if you wanna get a LARP started in here.
34. Blobfish Kigurumi (x4) - No one asked for this. No one needed to bring this into the world.
39. Bathrobe (x3) - A cheap deep red bathrobe, for when you want to look classy in your study but you just aren’t the kind of person with money for things like “a study” or “books” or “quality fabric.”
49. Tiger Stripe Suit (x2) - A fitted suit and pants in full orange-and-black tiger stripes. Somehow, putting in on makes you feel stealthy, but… that can’t be right, can it?
CAPE (x2) - Intimidatingly fabulous! This simple black cape, while a short and snappy accessory on some, is in fact extremely large on those less than eight feet tall.
Denim Outfit - A nice denim jacket with a fur collar, paired with a tank top and some nice pants. There's a hole in the pants where a tail should go...
WHY
The Hellpuppet - Something he's been working on in his spare time. It's a mass of limbs and heads and way too many torsos. Oh god it's got teeth now. Created with what used to be, so far, sixteen marionettes and seven matryoshka dolls.